For my doctoral dissertation, I studied self-esteem. I wanted to know how people develop self-esteem. If it can be changed, how do we change it? I learned several exciting things.
First, all of us have suffered or do suffer from low self-esteem to one degree or another at one time or another. No one feels completely adequate all the time--nor should we. God made us with weaknesses and mortal imperfections for a reason. He wanted us to feel our dependency upon Him. We have the promise from God that as we humble ourselves before Him, He will make our weaknesses become our strengths (Ether 12:27).
Second, we can change our self-esteem. We don’t have to feel locked into thinking and feeling a certain way about ourselves. Change occurs when we decide to change. We begin by repenting of our sins and living in harmony with our values. Persons who are emotionally in conflict and who carry heavy burdens of guilt and shame will never feel good about themselves until they repent. The old saying is true, “We can’t feel good when we are doing bad.” Christ is mighty to save and freely forgives when we sincerely repent. When we are in harmony with God, we feel clean, worthy, lovable, and forgiven.
Third, self-esteem is effected by experiences we had as children. We are conditioned by home lives and traumas from our childhood. Those of us who were abused, discounted, and abandoned often feel of little worth. Because of our experiences growing up, all of us have running conversations with ourselves. If our parents or significant others were harsh and critical, then we will likely talk to ourselves the same way they did.
Fourth, we can change our negative self talk. In fact, if we are to change the way we feel about ourselves, we must change the way we talk to ourselves. Learning the language of self-support is likened to the process of re-parenting ourselves. We must lovingly discipline, kindly correct, constantly support, and quickly forgive ourselves.
Many of us were taught that it was prideful and wrong to say nice things about ourselves. We were warned not to “get a big head.” While we do not want to brag to others, it is imperative that we educate our feelings by reminding ourselves (not others) of our qualities, virtues, and strengths.
For example, from time to time we might say to ourselves: “I am getting better at forgiving myself. I am learning to accept Christ’s atonement as applicable to me. I am learning to meet challenges and difficulties with increased faith, courage, and confidence. I am patient and kind more often. I can frequently say that I like myself and in the process feel more compassion for others. I am angry less often. I am getting so I can truly say I love life. I seem to be going from one special experience to another. Life is really going well for me.”
As we work at being better people and learn to be more kind to ourselves, we will have improved self-esteem, and we will grow in our love for ourselves and for others.
Dr. Coombs is a therapist in private practice. His website is: DrDavidCoombs.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment